I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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