Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am spending my child support on dildos
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
