I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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