Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
