thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
