paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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