how can u be prego again
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
