He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
