I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
