Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
