College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
