Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
