i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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