We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
