Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
