Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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