He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
