she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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