my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
