Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
