i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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