dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
