I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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