he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
