sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
