just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
