I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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