a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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