Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
