I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
