I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
