I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
