i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
