Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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