sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
