Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
