she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
