You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
