Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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