"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
