As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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