She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
