I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm too high and old for this...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
