JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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