It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
