wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
