I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
