Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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