mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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