seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
